The Sunrise of Spring

So, I haven't written in a long time. I really haven't felt the need or want to start writing with everything that has been happening in my life. But today is a new day, with new friends, experiences, and interests than any other. As I finish my third semester at school I feel a sense of renewal that I never would have expected to come from such dark moments in my life. Many people have come and gone over the years and this one certainly was a doozy, but even though I lost some people who meant a lot to me I've gained in the same moment a chosen few who I wouldn't trade for the world. I have learned throughout my years that who you have surrounding you is more important than anything else. That above all things our relationships will make the biggest impact on who we become and who we are. I align with the belief that love is everything, that in the end we will be remembered for how we loved people and who we left behind. In this belief I find peace and comfort that I will always succeed in everything I do as long as I love the people around me. With that being said I am not the type to throw that word around, from a young age I have had an incredibly hard time with the concept that you can love people freely. I've always believed that saying those three words is cheap and pointless because you can "love" her and in the same sentence "love" a pizza. It created a concept in my head that the word itself is entirely meaningless and should be shown more than it is ever said. I strive in my actions to show that I am willing to go to the ends of the earth for those I love and that I will stop at nothing to make them feel and know without a doubt that they are loved. So with this explained enters in the main thought of my post.

I chose the name because it suits how this past year has been for me. I feel that I have been stuck in a "sunset" for the past eight months, no matter what I did I have felt that I am fighting a losing battle and just simply going downhill. But in recent months I have felt a new spark, and so many aspects of my life have begun to change for the better. I have made friendships that I feel will last the remainder of my lifetime, I have taken leadership roles and accomplished things I never thought to be possible, and I have rediscovered a love for my art that I had long since forgotten. I remembered just how much music means to me, I remembered just how blissful and calm I feel while I perform, as if the world simply fades from existence and nothing matters except the music that I am making. I have met people who I feel I can talk with for days and no matter what I say or do they will still be there for me, no matter what the cost is to them. With the coming of this spring I feel that I have witnessed the very sunrise of the next chapter of my life. I think that people tend to miss the little things that make them happy, they get so focused on what the next milestone is and they forget to stop and simply enjoy the smell of a rose. But, most importantly the most forgotten are the people who lift you up and are not afraid to tell you when you are wrong. I can think of three in my life right now that have made a major impact and will not be forgotten.

I am going to change the names to protect those I'm writing about.

1. Ferris,
Someone who I did not expect to be anywhere near as close as they are now. He has become an incredibly important friend in my life, and has gone out of his way to hold me accountable and make sure I know exactly what he feels. He is someone who will spend as long as you need just listening, or talking out any problems you may have. Prone to the truth no matter how blunt it may be, and not afraid to tell you when you are wrong. I have spent countless hours with him just discussing every aspect of my life from sorrows, to homework, business, relationship advice, faith, and past life experiences. It makes no difference he is always ready and able to listen and I will always treasure his friendship.

2. Victor,
Also someone who I never would have thought would become one of my dearest friends. Instrumental in keeping me sane throughout the last year and always being willing to make certain I am alright. Driving around listening to music, sitting and just having a drink and playing board games till the early morning hours, or standing in the cold and trying to reassure me that I'm not as dumb as I feel. Always making certain to reach out when you know I am not well and not afraid to push if I am reluctant to answer. You always try to include me no matter who you are with and I appreciate that you are willing to sacrifice your own personal time to try and lift my spirit. More than anything I appreciate just how much time you devote to protecting your friends.

3. Pansy Parkinson,
You are an interesting story. We have connected on a much deeper level in an impressive amount of time. I would consider you to be my best friend and I know that I can share anything with you. I could sit with you for hours just listening to old vinyl's and discussing life. I never get bored of watching you get excited over even the smallest of things. Whether its just watching a show, or swing dancing, or listening to good music, you are always happy to just be there. I find myself writing lyrics, poems, and even this blog again. You inspire me to be a better version of myself with every day that you are around. You are irreplaceable in my life and not a day goes by that I don't wonder how I ever got so lucky. You are worth far more than you ever may realize, but I won't give up on hoping one day you see yourself as I do. I've never met another like you, nor do I think I will. I can't wait to see our friendship grow, and do whatever I can to make you smile every single day.


These three people mean so much to me I could write separate posts on each alone. But the point of this is to show that no matter how dark the world might seem, there are always people who can change your entire perspective. Even small simple gestures can change a day for the better. To anyone reading you could be that person for someone even if you don't know that you are. You can be the cause of someone else's sunrise.


As always
Love God
Love People
And love yourself

Fight for those who cannot fight for themselves,
S.O.T.B,

The Light Behind

               I haven't written in a long time, and a lot has happened. I've been avoiding for a multitude of reasons predominately it is because I wrote about my grandfathers passing, and I feel that starting again means i'm moving on. It.s been over a year since he died,not a day goes by that I don't still think about how much I wish I could just call and hear him speak one last time.During the winter months it always seems to get worse. The dark makes me sit and think about all the people I have lost on my journey through life. I have lost more than I would like to admit but there are a few that come to the forefront of my mind. My grandfather, and my best friend. They are constantly on my mind, and I fight harder because I want to make them proud. Both were extremely important in me becoming the man I am today. Both of these men are immortalized in my writings in one way or another. I believe in the military saying "Gone but never forgotten" because it rings true in everyday of my life. I give everything I have in my efforts in school or work because my grandfather always told me a man is only worth the effort he gives. And in my music when I sing I put my entire being into the song i'm singing because Josh always told me that what makes a voice beautiful is the soul of the person behind it. All of these conversations, these voices, these moments. They constantly run through my mind to remind me why I fight. They remind me of why I strive to become the man they saw, the man they wanted me to be, who I should be. These voices that tell me to push on and never give up. They remind me of the light behind my eyes.


             
                Now what do I mean by that you might ask? Am I referring to faith? Good intention? Life? To me it is most definitely all of the above. I believe that the people who have this light are the ones who will go out of their way to help others. They are the ones you know that will give you their last dollar, the shirt off their back, or sit with you for hours because you're heartbroken. But its not enough to just have the light, at least not to me. You have to be ready and able to go the distance in giving what is necessary to care for others. My example is that these men not only cared about people but they were willing to put themselves in a place to be hurt if it meant that you would be safe. They weren't afraid to take risks in the name of love. They would give anything to see the ones they cared about taken care of. To me that is the most important thing in the world. Everyone in this life is so worried about getting ahead or being successful that they constantly step on others or throw others down to get to the top. But we need more who are willing to lay down to show that this world is based on love and not measured in success. This example has set the premise for my life, it has shown me that loving other people is more valuable than just focusing on yourself. An odd perception. ":Loving others will make you feel more loved than just loving yourself."


                 Now to run with this thought, I have met a select few people who share this same quality. I would encourage that if you see this in someone then keep them close. And even moreso I encourage you to be that person to others. Something as simple as sitting and listening to a friend and making sure to make them comfortable. Being supportive being comforting and just offering to take time and make that person your only priority. Paying attention to what someone shows not just what they say. Recently I had an situation where I needed someone to listen, and I felt I had no where to go. And I honestly I don't think they understand how much help they offered. Nothing more than listening to my rambling for a short time and already I am better than before. This kind of person to me is worth their weight in gold. They are irreplaceable and will always have a place in my life. You never know if you might save a life, by simply caring for someone else. No matter how seemingly unimportant it may seem.  One word can make or break someone.


               
                   Now to tie all of this together, Why is this so important? Because we are nothing without community, and our community is useless without those willing to go above and beyond for others. This light is priceless, and no amount of success or money can change that. Keep the fire going in the dead of winter no matter how it gets and I promise you will never regret it.



As Always
Fight for those who can't fight for themselves.


S.O.T.B.



In loving memory of,
Joshua Alvin Calvin Chance
James Lloyd Barnes

The truth behind the rose

    
   I haven't posted lately mostly because the last was about my grandfather and a part of me doesn't really want to move on from that day. But this has been weighing heavy on my heart and I feel like I need to share. so here goes nothing.

  
   My first question for this post is: "What defines true love to you?"


Before I start I want you to read this quote:

 "If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation."
-Osho


Now for my intent we are going to sub flower for rose simply because it fits for my purpose. Now the first reason I love this quote is it's so counter intuitive to our nature. We see something that we think is beautiful or lovely and we immediately take it with no thought of the consequences of our actions. If we examine this line "if you pick it up it ceases to be what you love." Simply stating if you take something away from its natural place it is no longer what you saw, and what you admired. The most important part to take away from this quote is that love is not about possession. It is about appreciation. We are going to pick this apart and look at what truth we can find in this quote.

 Now as with most of my posts I'm going to share a personal situation so that you can see the relation to a real circumstance. This is about a girl but for privacy reasons we are going to call her Jessica. I hope you enjoy it.


In the last five months I have experienced an interesting measure of trial. I choose this situation because to me I feel that I have chosen to follow a path that I may not want to adhere to but I feel it is definitely the right path. I fell pretty hard for this girl who I worked with. I know terrible blah blah... but you really cant help who you fall for.

Well, she is seeing someone and has been since I've known her. Now don't get me wrong I had no intention of this ever happening and actually tried to avidly avoid it. Regardless though things happen. You may ask me what this has to do with the quote. Well, in the way this unraveled I had ample opportunity to try and break them apart and make myself out to be the better. She would ask for my advice unaware of my feelings and it would have been simple to just talk her into leaving and trying to step in. But I didn't... I know a lot of people would say that I obviously don't care enough or "all's fair in love and war". But not everything is best. I chose to give her my honest advice while still standing behind her choices no matter what that meant. I can tell you it was definitely not an easy task. I actually told her several times that I can't answer her, because I knew I would want to be deceptive. And on days she wasn't feeling the greatest I wanted to break my own rules and just wrap her up and make her feel safe and comfortable. For any of  you that know me you know I am not a touchy person, I actually don't like being touched. But for her she is my best friend, and someone I love dearly so I want to act out of character to make sure she's taken care of. In the end nothing has changed I am still going to love her regardless, and I will continue to be her friend and be honest even if it hurts. To me I can show her no greater respect than trying my hardest to give her what I would hope someone would do for me.

   Now lets take the quote piece by piece and look at the resemblance of the quote:
 "If you love a rose, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love."

I had the opportunity to try and take her, to break apart her relationship and claim one for myself. But what would that mean? I would be disrespecting not only her, but myself and him. Now she wouldn't die. But the point is that it would cause a chasm, and once she realized what I had done it would change the dynamic and it would destroy any hope that I thought I might have. The relationship that I have with her would cease to be, and it would very easily die right then and there.

"So if you love a rose, let it be"

This is pretty simple. you can't try to change someone else. Or try to move it into something different. If you love a flower you don't pluck it. You water it, you encourage growth, and you let it move and grow wherever it needs to so that it can be healthy. In my situation I chose to encourage her, and I chose to not impede growth. I gave her advice that was honest and tried my hardest to help her as best as I could.

"Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation."

This one is hard. We all have the tendency to try and snatch up what we love. We grab and claw and fight to remain in possession. But that's not what love is about. Now don't misinterpret my words being with someone is not to possess them. But manipulating, lying, or deceiving most certainly is about possession. When you appreciate  someone you can be with them but you don't need to hold on. You know that you can leave and come back and there they are. Growing more beautiful and flourishing in their freedom. Now with roses they have thorns and most that try to grab them will not be happy. But to someone who grows roses they see this as a necessary sacrifice. In relation I chose to care more for her well being and her happiness. I gave no care to my own feelings or wants, because she came first. That's appreciating.


I don't say all this to say I am a perfect guy or any of that. We all know that's not possible and believe me I made mistakes all throughout this happening. My point is not to show what I did. It's to show that love is different than we seem to think. So I point to Christ.


I believe that this quote accurately describes what Christ's love is like. He won't just take you. He will take care of you while still allowing you to be free to grow and bend and move however is necessary. He will appreciate you as you are even if you are pining after someone or something else. He will nudge you toward the right path but still allow you to make your own choice. And ultimately He will choose to let you walk away rather than rip you back to Him. He loves you regardless of if he has you. If you take anything from this I want you to remember that love in its purest form is caring for someone else even if it costs you your own heart.

So I ask again "What defines true love to you?"

It's simple really. True love is loving someone else more than you love yourself.



In all things

Love God
Love people
And always fight


S.O.T.B.

Final salute

How do I start this.... I guess I'll start by reliving the last few days.

On August 30th of 2015 at 13:46 My grandfather James L. Barnes took his journey home into eternity. For me and my family this is a sorrowful occasion. We rejoice in the knowledge that he is with Christ in a better place and I am certain that he is smiling down on us knowing that his family loved him so. well... let me start from the beginning.


My grandfather went into the hospital with nothing more than some trouble breathing and a little issue with walking. The doctors in the ER ran every kind of test that they could think of to figure out what was wrong. On Friday night they did a CT scan and saw nothing out of the ordinary. Saturday morning around 5 in the morning he crashed and had to be put on a ventilator. Now this is a basic walkthrough minus some waiting and conversations. The rush started Saturday morning, I got a call from my father around noon.

He told me that my grandfather wasn't doing well and that I needed to drop what I was doing and get there. When I got there I saw more family than I anticipated. My brother, uncle, dad, and all their wives. The doctors ran a few tests and found that the problem was that my grandfathers brain had started to bleed. They transported him to a bigger hospital so that the Neurosurgeon could look at him, but there wasn't really much hope from that point. We saw the surgeon and he confirmed most of our fears. He said that my grandfather would have a very low chance to survive any type of surgery. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I headed to the chapel and I hit my knees in prayer. I begged and pleaded for God to just heal him, show us any kind of miracle. I asked that He would show compassion for my family and my grandmother especially. Trust me, I believe that God does the best for our lives and that He will make sure we are taken care of. But, that does not mean I will always be happy with the way He does it. I left for a bit and came back that evening. I sat with my family and we talked about what was happening and what the doctors were trying to do. At the end of the night most of them went home, and all that remained was my grandmother, my aunt, and me. The doctors told me he could still hear me, so I waited till everyone left and I talked with him one last time. This is what I said...

"Grandpa, I don't know if you can hear me or not. But the doctors say you can. I just want you to know that we all love you so much more than we could ever say. I need you to know that I love you and I wish that I had told you more. You will always mean the world to me. You are the very definition of what I see means to be a man. You taught me so many things throughout my life, and I can't ever thank you enough. You never forgot to try and make us smile. And you never hesitated to say exactly what was on your mind. I am so very sorry that I didn't spend as much time with you as I could. I know without a doubt that you loved all of us unconditionally, even if you never said it. I hope you can hear me I really do... I love you with everything in me. I pray that God will either heal you or take you. I love you grandpa and may peace be with you."

As I choked back tears I walked out of the ICU room, I walked down to the hallway reeling at the thought that I had just said goodbye to the only man I've ever known as a grandfather. I said my goodbyes to my grandmother and aunt then headed home.

Fast forward to the next day and I headed back to hospital to see if anything had changed. I got there around noon and heard they had done a final test to see if there was anything they could do. We headed to the cafeteria to get something to eat while we waited. Friends of the family came in and out pretty much all day. The doctor came in after a while and told us that the status hadn't changed. He told us that they found that there was no blood flow to the brain which signifies brain death... and he declared him legally gone at 13:46. As I stood there processing what had just happened, I felt almost as if the world stopped. I couldn't hear anyone and I felt the hot rush of tears coming quickly. So once again I ran to the chapel. As I sat there going over everything again, I lost it. I started begging once again, asking why this had to happen now. If there was anything that we could do, or if maybe the doctors missed something. I said how sorry I was to my grandpa about not seeing him as much as I could, or just talking with him regularly. I didn't want to believe it, and I didn't want to admit that it was real.

We decided to wait till my cousin got there to see him before we take him off the ventilator. Once my cousin got there we got it started. Since there was no brain function he wasn't going to breathe on his own. They took it out and we spent his last moments with him. As a family we stood strong as a single unit to mourn the man we all knew and loved, and to show that we will not be broken. Now don't get me wrong. That was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Once it was over I couldn't handle it, so once again I ran to my sanctuary, the chapel. As soon as the door closed I hit my knees, and I was livid. I screamed about how unfair this was, I let God know exactly how unhappy I was with this out come. I asked why He wouldn't save him, because I know good and well He can. But most of all. I was heart broken. That man meant the world to me, and my heart couldn't handle that he was gone. I let it all come like a white hot rush. The tears flowed like a river, and the heart ache is like nothing I've ever felt. At the end I asked for peace for me and my family, that if this was God's plan then please at least let us rest easy. And with that, in a matter of days my grandfather was gone.


Now why would I write this out you might ask... Mostly this is for me. But, if there is even one person who can read this and know that they aren't alone, then this is all worth it.


After all of this, let me tell you who this man was...


James Barnes was a lot of things. He had a very obscure sense of humor; from wearing different colored socks to making faces at you when no one else was looking. He always went out of his way to make sure that you would smile. He valued his wife and family above anything, and made certain that we knew it. He did so much I couldn't even begin to list them out, but the most prominent was his business and Civil Air Patrol. He taught all of his grandkids the value of hard work and what it means to take pride in your work ethic. He always placed a high value on education and I'm pretty certain he kept on studying till the very end. He always encouraged self-control and militant discipline. He was never shy about talking to strangers, and he could pretty much always get his way. He was the kind of man you would never see without a smile on his face, and he would never take no for an answer. He loved "King of the Hill" and he's actually the reason I started watching it. When I was young we always had to hide the cookies because he would eat all of them, and I mean all of them. No matter how many or how little we bought. He loved sweets almost as much as his wife. Most of all he showed us what it means to be a husband. He and my grandmother were married for more than 50 years! They are the couple I look to when it comes to searching for a companion of my own. He never said it much, but I never had any doubt in my mind that he loved me and all of us. Because he never had any problem showing us just how much he cared. Above all he was a light to everyone who came into contact with him. And I see now more than ever just how many people he touched with his life. I hope and pray that I can even be half the man that he was. And hopefully I can cause the kind of impact that he did. My mind fills with all the storied and memories and I wish I could list them all. but I hope this gives you at glimpse of the man that was lost.


In anything like this. It's hard to process, and it can be a bit overwhelming at times. I would like to encourage you to grab a hold of your family and find strength in them. Never forget that God will do the best for your life even if it seems less than fair. In the dark its hard to see where to go or what steps to take, but once you find the light it is never difficult to follow. As I sit in my sorrow knowing the funeral and visitation are to come, I still know that there are others that are going through something similar. And in that know you are not alone. I would encourage you to stand in your faith even in spite of hardship and sorrow, knowing that My God will bring you peace, and all you have to do is ask. My prayers go out to anyone who has lost a loved one, and I will continue to pray for anyone who has been through this ordeal. I know that my world has a great loss and to me that will always be. there's not one thing I can say that will make it better or make the pain go away... But I know I will see him again. In paradise, wearing multi-colored socks. Keep your chin up and never give up the fight. Don't stop because they are gone, fight harder because THEY.. ARE... WITH... YOU...

As always
Love God
Love People
And keep on Fighting

This is my Final Salute to you grandpa!

I hope that I will make you proud!

S.O.T.B.



 In Loving memory of

James L. Barnes

Gone but never forgotten.
I love you Grandpa more than I could ever tell you...
Till I see you again...

Rest in Peace

Words over shifting sands

Firstly let me delve into myself just a bit. I am not the type to speak well or with clarity. Honestly I'm not even a very social person. I am the type to hide away within my little hovel; guitar and pen in hand jotting down whatever rhythm strikes me. In short I am terrible with words. especially in important situations. Whether with a pretty girl, or for an interview, or just for a conversation that generally means more than just a passing "how are you?". I never can seem to pull it together. For me my words seem to stand in my way. Like a hurdle I just cant quite leap, or a mountain that just seems to grow ever taller. My worst blunders honestly are due to me not knowing how to speak with the level of clarity I need. I've hurt people caused fights and worse. Lately it has seemed that my life has been one obstacle after another; a maze of twists and turns seeming to never end. With old relationships rebuilding, new ones starting, and some simply disappearing. I have never known such chaos, and yet so much peace. I find myself more and more turning to writing and reading of God's word. for some reason when speaking I cannot show the level of devotion or caring that flows through my writings. And in that I would like to show you just how my mind works. With this post I want to focus on just what it means to be set apart. What it means to be socially inept, and try to help anyone and everyone see that words only mean as much as the heart behind them.


I would consider myself to be a bit of a theologian and a philosopher. At times maybe even a good one. But above all I know myself to be a man of action. I am the type to do anything and everything in my power to make sure you are taken care of. Even in the midst of extreme pain and anguish I tend to look after others rather than myself. It's a flaw and I know it. I should value myself more and blah blah blah... But really none of that matters, because in the end, I will always put others first. no matter how many times I get hurt and no matter how many times I get left behind. I know that I know that I know, I am unimportant. Not in the sense of oh I'm worthless and everyone else is better than me... No. I understand that I am only a man. That's it... no more, no less. I have discussed this idea with many people and most of them take offense when I say that honestly. And I get it, it's not what we want to hear. Man is supposed to be the biggest, and brightest, and best of all right? Maybe not. And I'll explain why.


We were created in the image of God. (Assuming you're a believer. If not maybe just listen, if you don't agree that's fine.) So to believe that means we are on top right? Because God is the king of Kings. Well yes He is the ruler of all things. But I believe we were set here to be something different, something more. We are called many things in the Bible as believers. The list goes on for miles; Coheirs, Ambassadors, Followers, Disciples, Servants, More than Conquerors. And that's just to name a few.

But I want to pick out three of those and focus on why they are there. Ambassadors, Bondservants, and Coheirs.


Now I know you think I'm straying from the topic, but just trust me it all ties together.


Let's start with Ambassadors:

Firstly what does an ambassador do? An ambassador is an official sent from one country or culture to be the representative, and to bridge the gap between the two parties. With that being said, why would we be referred to as ambassadors. My belief is that we are sent to do just that. To bridge the gap between the faithful and those who don't believe. Not to be a judge or to choose who is good enough. But to represent Christ and show the world exactly what our "culture" has to offer. And in doing so we will accomplish the great commission. We are to plead on Christ's behalf that the world know him.

 2 Corinthians 5:20 (HCSB)
Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, certain that God is appealing through us. We plead on Christ’s behalf, “Be reconciled to God.”


Bondservants:

We all know what a servant is. A slave. so what does a slave do? Pretty much whatever the master says, and he doesn't really have an option to either. So what makes a bondservant different? They chose to be a slave. They actually loved their master enough to choose to be a slave and live life doing as their master asks. So why are we called bondservants if they are like slaves and we are supposed to be free? Because we are choosing to follow Christ and we are choosing to give ourselves to the master. Simply because He loves us and He makes certain all our needs are met. We are slaves with the ability to walk away at any moment.


Coheirs:

This one is the most interesting to me. Because based on the word we are created by God to be His followers, and yet we are described as coheirs... We are described as equals with Christ The physical manifestation of a God who created literally everything! My very first question was why? Now this is only my opinion. I believe we are described as equals because firstly God loves us to the extent that He puts us first. There are several times the Bible describes God wanting to "start over". But He relents and makes a way for us to reconcile and become able to be with Him again. We are called coheirs because Christ was God's son, as well as Himself, and yet He puts us first. caring about His people more than the pain, agony, and humiliation He suffered. We were the first and last thoughts on His mind. Even with His dying breath He uttered "it is... FINISHED." The very last thought on Christ's mind was of YOU. He was concerned with finishing the mission to ensure you were taken care of. He made certain that you had a crown in His kingdom.


Romans 8:17 (HCSB)
and if children, also heirs — heirs of God and coheirs with Christ — seeing that we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him. From Groans to Glory

John 19:30 (HCSB)
When Jesus had received the sour wine, He said, “It is finished! ” Then bowing His head, He gave up His spirit.


So what does this have to do with words, or speaking well? With all of that being said, Christ was a very meticulous speaker. He always made certain His words were well thought out and directed where they needed to be. That is a trait I strive for above all else. I want to be able to speak like Christ did with power and authority. With everything I just wrote out I hope you have the opportunity to see things from a different perspective, and maybe see how important faith is. I know that my words are just like the title. They seem to be on shifting sand, always trying to find a way to stand on ever moving ground. But I know that I am always pushing to improve and with His help I will. And so can you.

as always

Love God
Love people

Stand strong for those who can't

Be wise in understanding, Strong, and courageous


S.O.T.B.

Just Hold On

I can't believe it's almost been two years. And I'm sitting here at 3 A.M. and I can't help but just bawl my eyes out. I think of all the times that we spent together and I can't help but feel a massive mix of emotions. I feel an immense amount of joy, because of all the stupid things we did, the late night Taco Bell. The random jam sessions, and just sitting and discussing faith for hours. I also feel this great and terrible sorrow, knowing that I will never see you again... 

You may not have known it. But you meant the world to me. There are no words to explain just how lost I am without your guidance. I used to call your phone, so that I could listen to your voicemail, because all I wanted to do was hear your voice. I'm not entirely certain what happened. I know I don't know the whole story, and I never will. But I just rack my brain continuously trying to see if there was anything at all I could have done. 

In truth I would even take the arguments, the fights, and the disagreements. I would take any and all of it rather than the silence. And trust me sometimes you made me madder than anyone else ever could. And there are several times that I wanted to knock you out. But this is different... I can't stand the silence I think back to Coldplay everytime. 

"Oh brother I can't, I can't get through. I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do. Oh brother I can't believe it's true... I'm so scared about the future and I want to talk to you."

-Coldplay "Talk"

That about sums up most of my feelings. I want so badly to just talk with you, and to ask you what I should. Because I'm absolutely terrified about having to face the rest of my life on earth without you... 

I never thought that one person could impact so much. But sitting at your funeral and seeing how many people showed up. Seeing how many were just torn to pieces. It made me realize just how much difference one person can make. Watching all these people pay their respects, I tried so hard to keep my composure. But hearing you sing "Halelujah" I just lost it. I couldn't breathe, it felt like the walls were closing in, and an immense heat came like water falls from my eyes. And as I sat there I remember seeing your uncle Butch. 

With tears in his eyes he said "Zach I'm so happy to see you! I'm so sorry that it had to be under this circumstance..." "You know he loved you, and always talked about how you guys changed his life." 

I couldn't help it I let out a stifled cry of pain. And could I feel my body convulsing. This moment was the realization that this was real, it's irreversible and permanent. I always think of this moment, coupled with one other every single time I think of you. The second is the night that he actually was serious for once, it never happened. He sat with me and told me how much potential he saw in me, and encouraged me to push myself as hard as I could. To further my music and my faith, I would need to become serious about them. He told me that I had what it takes to actually be effective and efficient in ministry. He believed in me and my abilities long before I or anyone else ever did. Then he told me how proud he was of where I stood, and how proud he was of who he knew I would be. 

It's because of you that I stand here as the man of faith that I am. It's because of you that I even believe in myself. And it's because of you that I try so hard to better myself with every passing day. Now you might ask why I'm writing this sad post in a blog that's normally uplifting and happy. I want you to understand how I felt that day. I want you to see just what suicide can do. The man I'm describing was my best friend. He reached out to me when no one else cared, and he went out of his way to make sure I was always taken care of. In one moment that support was gone. It took less than a second for his life to end, and the pain and sorrow felt by every life he touched more than likely will never subside. 

That being said. I want to encourage you to always seek others and never give up. There is nothing in this world worth giving away your life for. You may think you are unimportant, and that no one cares about you. I give you my word that there is always someone who is looking to you. Whether for guidance, or just for support. You have value in their life. That choice cannot be undone, and it causes pain and sorrow like no other. The tremors from suicides last years if not lifetimes. For those of us who are left behind its a pain that is so unreal that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies. 

I implore you if you are having thoughts or even have a plan please call for help. Whether friends family or the suicide hotline. Please call someone! Because you are irreplaceable, and this world couldn't be the same without you. If you think no one cares. Remember that I love you! I may not know you and you may not know me but you are important to me! And I know that my God loves you with a stronger intensity than I could ever muster. He has a plan for you! And I would love nothing more than to see you succeed on that path! 

All in all nothing is ever worth suicide. I've struggled with it and I know in that moment it seems like a good idea. But trust me my friends life will always get better but you have to give it a chance.

I don't really write for anyone but for me honestly. But if this happens to help even one person than it was a success. 

I know you won't ever read this man, but I love you for so many reasons. I really can't believe you're gone. And I really hope I get to argue with you in heaven some day.

National suicide prevention hotline:

1-800-273-8255

I hope you're doing better brother.

Rest in peace:

Joshua Alvin Calvin Chance

I miss you my friend.

In everything 

Love God 

And love all people 

Wishing you strength, honor, and courage.

S.O.T.B.

Shatter Me

We all have heard the rumblings. The Hindus and Buddhists say Nirvana. The Hebrews say Shalom. And Christians say harmony or peace. So what does it all mean? What does it mean to truly be at peace or to truly find harmony? We all want it, and we all search for that feeling, that relief of having no worries or problems to think about. So what does it mean to truly have it? To find your center, to find peace, or enlightenment, or balance. I've met many people of all faiths and cultures and they all have some similarities, but there's one saying that has always made me think. That being when people say "you have to balance mind, body, and spirit."

Now why does that strike me? Is it because it sounds like an eastern proverb or is it because it seems odd? Yes and no to all of these. It is very true that it fits most faiths and cultures, but it  is in a set of three. Which I know what you're thinking. "Whoo!! A three." Yeah it seems like nothing to most but today I was pondering like I do sometimes. And it struck me "mind, body, and spirit" (or I'm gonna say soul because I believe they are the same). To me that screams trinity. And I'll explain to you why I think that. 

Let's start with the non-tangible and work out way back to physical. 

Spirit "soul":

I believe that this represents the Holy Spirit, that part of you that fights to do the right thing. No matter what you call it, conscience, moral compass, or  discipline. To me the Holy Spirit is at the very center of everyone it is God Himself living in you and helping to guide you on your path. 

Mind:

The mind I believe is the representative of God. He is the center of everything. The engine of the entirety of the universe and He is the one who gives you your desires, thoughts, and ambitions. To have God at the center means that you will go on the path that is set for you and your mind will be in the right place.

And finally the body:

I'm sure you all see that I'm going to state that Christ is the representative of the body. He names the church several times as the body of Christ. But truly He means that we are to be like Him and to follow in His steps we become the body that moves and  grows in His steps. 

With this you can see that without one the others aren't as effective but yet neither has less value than the other. Your soul has no function without the body that moves it. But yet the body has no movement without the mind to guide it. This formula is perfection in motion. It is the only formula in the universe that just exists with no need for correction. With all that being said I get to my final point.

All of that means nothing without you choosing to let go...

The title I chose is not without purpose. I chose it because that's what I want Christ to do. I want Him to shatter me. Who I think I am, who I wish to be, and anything I do that doesn't honor Him. 

I want Him to shatter every aspect of myself that isn't forged for God's kingdom. If I fall I cannot stand unless He helps me to my feet. If I take a dive I will hit the ground unless I allow Him to carry me! I ask that He would shatter me into thousands upon thousands of pieces so there's nothing left of me. 

And in that I find joy, peace, patience, love, kindness, and self control. I find that balance of "mind, body, and spirit" I find my peace and harmony. My shalom, and my nirvana! Call it what you want, but to me it is everything. It's my life my very breath and my only hope!! 

If you truly wish to rebuild something first you must tear down before you can build it back up. He destroyed the temple and rebuilt it in only three days. Imagine what he could do with your life if you would just let Him. 

I know it may seem like chaos in the moment. Just please remember that even the most violent of storms follow Christ's command. 

"Nobility doesn't come from being better than your fellow man, true nobility comes from being superior to your former self."

           -Ernest Hemmingway 

It's not about being the best it's about being the best you that is possible. And it's easier when you are no longer pulling the strings. Be you and follow Christ and each day will move you closer to that balance but most of all don't be afraid to fall apart. Because God will never fail to be there to pick up the pieces.

In all things 

Love God 

And Love all people

And fight for the broken of this world! 

S.O.T.B.