You may not have known it. But you meant the world to me. There are no words to explain just how lost I am without your guidance. I used to call your phone, so that I could listen to your voicemail, because all I wanted to do was hear your voice. I'm not entirely certain what happened. I know I don't know the whole story, and I never will. But I just rack my brain continuously trying to see if there was anything at all I could have done.
In truth I would even take the arguments, the fights, and the disagreements. I would take any and all of it rather than the silence. And trust me sometimes you made me madder than anyone else ever could. And there are several times that I wanted to knock you out. But this is different... I can't stand the silence I think back to Coldplay everytime.
"Oh brother I can't, I can't get through. I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do. Oh brother I can't believe it's true... I'm so scared about the future and I want to talk to you."
-Coldplay "Talk"
That about sums up most of my feelings. I want so badly to just talk with you, and to ask you what I should. Because I'm absolutely terrified about having to face the rest of my life on earth without you...
I never thought that one person could impact so much. But sitting at your funeral and seeing how many people showed up. Seeing how many were just torn to pieces. It made me realize just how much difference one person can make. Watching all these people pay their respects, I tried so hard to keep my composure. But hearing you sing "Halelujah" I just lost it. I couldn't breathe, it felt like the walls were closing in, and an immense heat came like water falls from my eyes. And as I sat there I remember seeing your uncle Butch.
With tears in his eyes he said "Zach I'm so happy to see you! I'm so sorry that it had to be under this circumstance..." "You know he loved you, and always talked about how you guys changed his life."
I couldn't help it I let out a stifled cry of pain. And could I feel my body convulsing. This moment was the realization that this was real, it's irreversible and permanent. I always think of this moment, coupled with one other every single time I think of you. The second is the night that he actually was serious for once, it never happened. He sat with me and told me how much potential he saw in me, and encouraged me to push myself as hard as I could. To further my music and my faith, I would need to become serious about them. He told me that I had what it takes to actually be effective and efficient in ministry. He believed in me and my abilities long before I or anyone else ever did. Then he told me how proud he was of where I stood, and how proud he was of who he knew I would be.
It's because of you that I stand here as the man of faith that I am. It's because of you that I even believe in myself. And it's because of you that I try so hard to better myself with every passing day. Now you might ask why I'm writing this sad post in a blog that's normally uplifting and happy. I want you to understand how I felt that day. I want you to see just what suicide can do. The man I'm describing was my best friend. He reached out to me when no one else cared, and he went out of his way to make sure I was always taken care of. In one moment that support was gone. It took less than a second for his life to end, and the pain and sorrow felt by every life he touched more than likely will never subside.
That being said. I want to encourage you to always seek others and never give up. There is nothing in this world worth giving away your life for. You may think you are unimportant, and that no one cares about you. I give you my word that there is always someone who is looking to you. Whether for guidance, or just for support. You have value in their life. That choice cannot be undone, and it causes pain and sorrow like no other. The tremors from suicides last years if not lifetimes. For those of us who are left behind its a pain that is so unreal that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies.
I implore you if you are having thoughts or even have a plan please call for help. Whether friends family or the suicide hotline. Please call someone! Because you are irreplaceable, and this world couldn't be the same without you. If you think no one cares. Remember that I love you! I may not know you and you may not know me but you are important to me! And I know that my God loves you with a stronger intensity than I could ever muster. He has a plan for you! And I would love nothing more than to see you succeed on that path!
All in all nothing is ever worth suicide. I've struggled with it and I know in that moment it seems like a good idea. But trust me my friends life will always get better but you have to give it a chance.
I don't really write for anyone but for me honestly. But if this happens to help even one person than it was a success.
I know you won't ever read this man, but I love you for so many reasons. I really can't believe you're gone. And I really hope I get to argue with you in heaven some day.
National suicide prevention hotline:
I hope you're doing better brother.
Rest in peace:
Joshua Alvin Calvin Chance
I miss you my friend.
In everything
Love God
And love all people
Wishing you strength, honor, and courage.
S.O.T.B.
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