On August 30th of 2015 at 13:46 My grandfather James L. Barnes took his journey home into eternity. For me and my family this is a sorrowful occasion. We rejoice in the knowledge that he is with Christ in a better place and I am certain that he is smiling down on us knowing that his family loved him so. well... let me start from the beginning.
My grandfather went into the hospital with nothing more than some trouble breathing and a little issue with walking. The doctors in the ER ran every kind of test that they could think of to figure out what was wrong. On Friday night they did a CT scan and saw nothing out of the ordinary. Saturday morning around 5 in the morning he crashed and had to be put on a ventilator. Now this is a basic walkthrough minus some waiting and conversations. The rush started Saturday morning, I got a call from my father around noon.
He told me that my grandfather wasn't doing well and that I needed to drop what I was doing and get there. When I got there I saw more family than I anticipated. My brother, uncle, dad, and all their wives. The doctors ran a few tests and found that the problem was that my grandfathers brain had started to bleed. They transported him to a bigger hospital so that the Neurosurgeon could look at him, but there wasn't really much hope from that point. We saw the surgeon and he confirmed most of our fears. He said that my grandfather would have a very low chance to survive any type of surgery. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I headed to the chapel and I hit my knees in prayer. I begged and pleaded for God to just heal him, show us any kind of miracle. I asked that He would show compassion for my family and my grandmother especially. Trust me, I believe that God does the best for our lives and that He will make sure we are taken care of. But, that does not mean I will always be happy with the way He does it. I left for a bit and came back that evening. I sat with my family and we talked about what was happening and what the doctors were trying to do. At the end of the night most of them went home, and all that remained was my grandmother, my aunt, and me. The doctors told me he could still hear me, so I waited till everyone left and I talked with him one last time. This is what I said...
"Grandpa, I don't know if you can hear me or not. But the doctors say you can. I just want you to know that we all love you so much more than we could ever say. I need you to know that I love you and I wish that I had told you more. You will always mean the world to me. You are the very definition of what I see means to be a man. You taught me so many things throughout my life, and I can't ever thank you enough. You never forgot to try and make us smile. And you never hesitated to say exactly what was on your mind. I am so very sorry that I didn't spend as much time with you as I could. I know without a doubt that you loved all of us unconditionally, even if you never said it. I hope you can hear me I really do... I love you with everything in me. I pray that God will either heal you or take you. I love you grandpa and may peace be with you."
As I choked back tears I walked out of the ICU room, I walked down to the hallway reeling at the thought that I had just said goodbye to the only man I've ever known as a grandfather. I said my goodbyes to my grandmother and aunt then headed home.
Fast forward to the next day and I headed back to hospital to see if anything had changed. I got there around noon and heard they had done a final test to see if there was anything they could do. We headed to the cafeteria to get something to eat while we waited. Friends of the family came in and out pretty much all day. The doctor came in after a while and told us that the status hadn't changed. He told us that they found that there was no blood flow to the brain which signifies brain death... and he declared him legally gone at 13:46. As I stood there processing what had just happened, I felt almost as if the world stopped. I couldn't hear anyone and I felt the hot rush of tears coming quickly. So once again I ran to the chapel. As I sat there going over everything again, I lost it. I started begging once again, asking why this had to happen now. If there was anything that we could do, or if maybe the doctors missed something. I said how sorry I was to my grandpa about not seeing him as much as I could, or just talking with him regularly. I didn't want to believe it, and I didn't want to admit that it was real.
We decided to wait till my cousin got there to see him before we take him off the ventilator. Once my cousin got there we got it started. Since there was no brain function he wasn't going to breathe on his own. They took it out and we spent his last moments with him. As a family we stood strong as a single unit to mourn the man we all knew and loved, and to show that we will not be broken. Now don't get me wrong. That was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Once it was over I couldn't handle it, so once again I ran to my sanctuary, the chapel. As soon as the door closed I hit my knees, and I was livid. I screamed about how unfair this was, I let God know exactly how unhappy I was with this out come. I asked why He wouldn't save him, because I know good and well He can. But most of all. I was heart broken. That man meant the world to me, and my heart couldn't handle that he was gone. I let it all come like a white hot rush. The tears flowed like a river, and the heart ache is like nothing I've ever felt. At the end I asked for peace for me and my family, that if this was God's plan then please at least let us rest easy. And with that, in a matter of days my grandfather was gone.
Now why would I write this out you might ask... Mostly this is for me. But, if there is even one person who can read this and know that they aren't alone, then this is all worth it.
After all of this, let me tell you who this man was...
James Barnes was a lot of things. He had a very obscure sense of humor; from wearing different colored socks to making faces at you when no one else was looking. He always went out of his way to make sure that you would smile. He valued his wife and family above anything, and made certain that we knew it. He did so much I couldn't even begin to list them out, but the most prominent was his business and Civil Air Patrol. He taught all of his grandkids the value of hard work and what it means to take pride in your work ethic. He always placed a high value on education and I'm pretty certain he kept on studying till the very end. He always encouraged self-control and militant discipline. He was never shy about talking to strangers, and he could pretty much always get his way. He was the kind of man you would never see without a smile on his face, and he would never take no for an answer. He loved "King of the Hill" and he's actually the reason I started watching it. When I was young we always had to hide the cookies because he would eat all of them, and I mean all of them. No matter how many or how little we bought. He loved sweets almost as much as his wife. Most of all he showed us what it means to be a husband. He and my grandmother were married for more than 50 years! They are the couple I look to when it comes to searching for a companion of my own. He never said it much, but I never had any doubt in my mind that he loved me and all of us. Because he never had any problem showing us just how much he cared. Above all he was a light to everyone who came into contact with him. And I see now more than ever just how many people he touched with his life. I hope and pray that I can even be half the man that he was. And hopefully I can cause the kind of impact that he did. My mind fills with all the storied and memories and I wish I could list them all. but I hope this gives you at glimpse of the man that was lost.
In anything like this. It's hard to process, and it can be a bit overwhelming at times. I would like to encourage you to grab a hold of your family and find strength in them. Never forget that God will do the best for your life even if it seems less than fair. In the dark its hard to see where to go or what steps to take, but once you find the light it is never difficult to follow. As I sit in my sorrow knowing the funeral and visitation are to come, I still know that there are others that are going through something similar. And in that know you are not alone. I would encourage you to stand in your faith even in spite of hardship and sorrow, knowing that My God will bring you peace, and all you have to do is ask. My prayers go out to anyone who has lost a loved one, and I will continue to pray for anyone who has been through this ordeal. I know that my world has a great loss and to me that will always be. there's not one thing I can say that will make it better or make the pain go away... But I know I will see him again. In paradise, wearing multi-colored socks. Keep your chin up and never give up the fight. Don't stop because they are gone, fight harder because THEY.. ARE... WITH... YOU...
As always
Love God
Love People
And keep on Fighting
This is my Final Salute to you grandpa!
I hope that I will make you proud!
S.O.T.B.
In Loving memory of
James L. Barnes
Gone but never forgotten.
I love you Grandpa more than I could ever tell you...
Till I see you again...
Rest in Peace
